RtB 4: Returning the Favor
by Erika
Summary: QuiGon and ObiWan have a little talk about recent events and old sorrows.


This is _**not**_ a new story. This is one of three JA stories that, for some reason that I cannot remember, I never posted to ff.n. I've decided to post them now. All three of these stories are part of the "Rebuilding the Bond" series. They should be read in this order (the **bold **ones be read as stand alone stories; the _italicized _ones are the ones I've just added to ff.n):

**Something Worth Fighting For**  
**To Hold Another's Life**  
_The Comfort of Listening  
Returning the Favor  
Troubling Secrets_  
**Shrouded by Darkness**

I recommend that you read "To Hold Another's Life" and "The Comfort of Listening" before reading this story.

**Title**: Returning the Favor  
**Series**: Rebuilding the Bond (story #4)  
**Author**: Erika  
**Rating**: PG  
**Summary**: Qui-Gon and Obi-Wan have a little talk about recent events and old sorrows.  
**Time Frame**: After JA8, this is a sequel to "Something Worth Fighting For", "To Hold Another's Life," and "The Comfort of Listening."  
**Spoilers**: For JA and for my other stories  
**Category**: Angst, POV, H/C  
**Disclaimers**: The Star Wars universe and all of its characters belong to George Lucas, I'm only borrowing them to have a little fun and I promise to return them unharmed (well, at least mostly unharmed). I'm making no money off of this and this is written for entertainment purposes only.  
**Feedback**: Please??? Pretty please with a cherry on top? As always, positive feedback and _constructive_ criticism are greatly appreciated!  
**Archive**: Jedi Apprentice, Early Years, Wolfie's Den, JAFD, The Guardians of Peace, The Temple Library, Telly, and anyone who has any of my other stories. Anyone else who wants this, please ask and send me a link to your site so that I can check it out :-D

Things in 's are telepathic communication through the Master/Padawan bond.

**Returning the Favor**

**Qui-Gon:**

"Master?" My Padawan's hesitant voice came to me, softly interrupting my sad flow of thoughts.

I opened my eyes. Obi-Wan was standing in my doorway, looking uncertain and tentative to interrupt me.

"Yes, Obi-Wan?" I smiled softly, hoping to reassure him.

"I was just wondering if you're all right," he said, shifting half-nervously from foot to foot.

"I'm fine, why do you ask?" Reaching out gently along our bond I could feel Obi-Wan's genuine concern for me mixed with a touch of shyness and determination.

"You've been distant lately; I can feel your unease. Have I done something wrong?"

The boy's uncertainly increased dramatically, suddenly flooding our bond despite his best efforts to shield himself. I silently cursed myself at this sudden revelation I found myself confronted with. Obi-Wan and I were much closer than we had ever been before Melida/Daan and despite what he had gone through to save me he was still uncertain of his place at my side. No, I corrected myself silently, he was not uncertain of his place at my side – for he had always known we were meant to be – but with my willingness to _accept_ his place at his side. I had chosen the worst possible time to distance myself for silent thought, I realized. Obi-Wan needed me right now.

He had been through so much, I reflected. First he had stayed behind on Melida/Daan to fight with the Young who had later rejected him. Then Cerasi had been killed and for a time he had thought he didn't belong anywhere. Bruck's death had taken a great deal out of him and even when we had returned to the Temple as Master and Padawan things had not turned out as planned. I had let myself fall victim to the past and as a result of that Obi-Wan had been forced to choose between his father and me. All of these things weighed down heavily upon him and I had been so self-absorbed that I had retreated into myself, dwelling on my own problems instead. I had spoken to him once and had vowed to be there for him whenever he needed to talk again, but then I had gone and all but ignored his presence. Why was this so hard for me? I wanted so much to comfort him and be there for him but I couldn't control my troubled thoughts enough to do so.

Force, would I ever get this right? Obi-Wan deserved my undivided attention. I couldn't let myself contemplate my own problems again until we had dealt with his. He deserved that from me.

"No, Obi-Wan," I reassured him, "you have done nothing wrong, I assure you. I apologize for my distance; please believe that it has nothing to do with you."

For the last few days I had attempted to think things through and come to terms with what had happened last week. I had tried to release my emotions into the Force but I still found myself deeply troubled. I had been ignorant of Obi-Wan's needs. It was time to set all that aside. He was obviously so uncertain because he wanted to talk to me but didn't know if I would be willing to listen again. Force, after everything that had happened how could the boy still think I didn't care? Maybe because I had barely spoken a word to him in the last two days, I bitterly thought to myself.

"You're sure?" he asked, "I-I didn't mean to do anything out of line…if my talking about Cerasi and my f-father made you uncomfortable I am sorry–"

"No, Obi-Wan!" I explained, interrupting him, "I assure you that that is not the case, please believe me. I am sorry if I have done anything to lead you to believe that. I… I am contemplating the past, Padawan," I confessed heavily.

"Is there something I can do to help, Master?"

I smiled softly in spite myself. Obi-Wan was obviously still hurting and yet he wanted to know what he could do to help me. "Thank you, Obi-Wan, but I am more concerned with your feelings right now. I am afraid I have been negligent of my duties as a Master. You are in emotional turmoil and I have done little to ease it." I knew that any mention of Cerasi would bring great sadness to Obi-Wan but I also knew that I could not avoid the subject, "Cerasi's death weighs heavily on your heart, as does the choice that was forced on you only last week."

"Don't say that, Master," he protested determinedly, "you _have_ helped me, more than you will ever know. Just by listening to me you helped me and now I would return the favor."

What my Padawan was offering was not lost to me; he was offering to listen to me as I had listened to him. I couldn't burden him down with my pain. He was a sensitive boy and if he in any way perceived my troubles had something to do with him then I would only add to the pain he was already carrying. "I am honored by your offer, my Padawan, but I cannot lay my problems on you when you are still clearly suffering."

"Master, I will not lie to you, I-I am confused and troubled and grieving but your pain is so much greater than mine. You have never talked – I mean _really_ talked – to anyone about your own pain like I have spoken to you about mine. You helped me and now it is my turn to help you."

There it was again. His undying devotion to me and his willingness to help me overcome my past. I had never done anything to deserve his presence in my life. He was a beacon of light and I was…a tired old man who couldn't let go of the past. "Come here, Padawan," I said softly, beckoning him to join me on my bed.

Obi-Wan obeyed me instantly and a few seconds later he was sitting by my side, waiting for me to speak. "Don't ever think that your pain is lesser than anyone else's," I said sternly, looking him straight in the eye, "I have been through a great deal in my lifetime but so have you, never forget that. Do not diminish your own feelings, they are just as important as mine if not more so. Do you wish to speak again?" I asked gently, hoping to ease away his uncertainly.

The boy had always been shy around me but I had noticed that his uncertainly had dramatically increased since the incident with his father and me. Considering that my…mistake…had forced him to choose between two lives I would understand if he was angry with me, but this sudden bout of uncertainty regarding me confused me. I knew that he was troubled by something that I didn't know about, perhaps something else from Melida/Daan, but why would it cause him to feel uncertain _now_?

My Padawan shook his head in protest, "No, Master," he said fiercely, "I will not let you change the subject so easily. You are in pain as well and I will not let you flee it by making this about me. If you do not trust me enough yet to tell me of your troubles than I understand but I would ask you to treat me with more respect and be honest with me rather than avoiding the subject."

I raised my eyebrows and for a moment was at a complete loss for words. Obi-Wan's complete frankness startled me. Usually his uncertainty prevented such open honesty. Did he truly think that my concern for him grew only from the fact that I did not wish to speak of Xanatos? Did he still think I didn't trust him? How could he even consider that?

When he had helped me return to my body he had seemed so certain that I cared for him and then when I told him that he was a precious, wonderful gift he had been so happy. How could that change so quickly for him to think I didn't trust or care for him?

I sighed mentally. He was a boy – a child. As easily as one thing I said or did could fill him with certainty another thing I said or did could rip it from him. Everything I did affected him. Despite everything we had spoken about my recent time alone had hurt him and made him think that I didn't care. It had made him fear I was shutting him away again.

Before I could answer a stricken look crossed my Padawan's face and he bent his head in shame. "I'm sorry, Master," he said, the uncertainly returning to his voice, "that was uncalled for and I have overstepped my bounds. Please forgive me."

Through our bond I could feel the boy's disbelief that he had actually said that to me and for a moment his desire to help me was overshadowed by his sadness and grief at the recent events. He was very mature for his age and held a depth of emotions greater than any other his age that I knew but he _was_ a boy still. He was experiencing the throws of grief and the uncertainty of having a Master who was deeply troubled by his own past.

"You need not apologize," I said softly, tilting his head up until his saddened blue-green eyes met mine, "for speaking honestly. It saddens me that you think that the only reason I care to help you is because I do not wish to speak of Xanatos. That is not the case. I have been remiss in my duties as your Master, yet again. You are grieving about so many things and I have shut myself away again."

"You've been troubled by your own demons, Master. I understand. I…I am sorry to have misjudged your intentions and I appreciate your concern," he gave me a shy half-smile, "but I do not think that I am ready to speak again. I want to help you, Master, please tell me."

"Tell you what?" I asked.

"Tell me about Xanatos."

I closed my eyes as pain stabbed at my heart and pride for Obi-Wan filtered through me at the same time. "What do you want to know about him?" I faltered.

"Everything," came the steady reply. "I want to know everything you're willing to tell me. What was he like before he turned? How close did you two become? What did you feel at his turning? You – you have kept these emotions bottled up inside you for too long, Master, it will help you to talk and I am willing to listen for as long as you need."

I swallowed down the lump that had suddenly formed in my throat. This was no child that was speaking to me. This was someone who had felt the pain of loss and who had enough goodness in him to see past his own sorrows to try and help those around him. "I-I don't know if I can," I said truthfully.

I immediately felt the hurt reflected across our bond and Obi-Wan's eyes momentarily glazed over with tears. "What do I have to do to gain your trust, Master?" he asked, his voice breaking.

"Oh, Obi-Wan, no," I hurried to reassure him, "I _do_ trust you, and I care for you so very much. It's not that, really it isn't." What could I say to reassure him? How could I make him understand?

"Then why won't you let me help you?" he asked pleadingly.

His voice was so soft and so sad that it nearly broke my heart. My poor Padawan. I had done this to him. I had turned him into this timid young boy that yearned desperately for my approval. "It's not that. It's hard for me…to talk about what happened. Just like it was hard for you to speak about Cerasi, that is how I still feel about my past. It's not that I don't want to," I choked out, "it's just that I don't know if I have the strength." Obi-Wan was sincere in wanting to help me and I _did_ want to talk to him, I couldn't deny that it would help me, but…

"Tell me only what you feel comfortable with," Obi-Wan said, "until you trust me enough to tell me everything."

There was his uncertainty again. Why was he so unsure? "I trust you with my life, Obi-Wan," I said, "it's just that it's so hard for me to remember those things–"

"I know," he said simply.

This boy awed me. "Why are you doing this?"

"You're my Master, Qui-Gon. I care about you and you're in pain."

"I-I should be the one helping you. You've been through so much lately and-"

I shook my head. "You have spent your whole life helping others, Master, now you must let me help you. I know that you want to guide me now but you must overcome your feelings about Xanatos, they almost got you killed. You can help me later, let me help you now. Together we can heal each other."

I reached out and gently tugged on Obi-Wan's braid. "Where should I start?" I asked him softly.

"Wherever you want, Master."

I took a deep breath to calm myself and reached out to the Force to help me steady my emotions. This wouldn't be easy but it was something I needed to do – for myself _and_ for Obi-Wan. I trusted Obi-Wan with my life, heart, and soul, and that made all the difference. I could do this. I had to. I would feel better once I did.

"The reason I have been so distant lately is because I was thinking about what led me to nearly lose myself in the Force. I know that we have already discussed this but I…do not feel completely at peace with it yet. It worries me that thinking about how blind I was with Xanatos brought me so much pain that I nearly killed myself unintentionally. If I had no Padawan it would not be as great a concern but my error caused you great pain. You were the one that had to bear the consequences of my mistake. It was because of my folly that you had to choose between your father and me. I would not be the source of such pain again Obi-Wan. It has made me realize that I _have_ to put Xanatos behind me, for your sake as well as mine."

"Master," Obi-Wan said, covering my hand with his own, "I do not blame you for what happened. You should not blame yourself. I might be feeling confused and guilty because of the choice I had to make but I _never_ thought that it was your fault. _Never_, Master."

I smiled wearily. How could Obi-Wan experience so much pain – pain that I had accidentally brought him – and still be so kind and forgiving? "It is good of you to be so kind, Obi-Wan. I am glad that you do not blame me but that doesn't stop me from blaming myself. It never should have happened. I let it happen. I was thinking about two things when I collapsed: my blindness towards Xanatos and how badly I had treated you as my Padawan. The second thing is something I _should_ have been thinking about, the first isn't."

Obi-Wan paused to carefully consider his words. I could feel his desire to help me. He wanted his words to reflect exactly what he was feeling. "When I was talking to you about Cerasi you told me that the more I talk about her, the easier it will become to think about her without pain. You were right. I hardly spoke to you at all and yet it felt like a tremendous weight had been lifted from my shoulders. I'm going to tell you the same thing now." He smiled slightly and tightened his grip on my hand, "It's not easy, Master," he said steadily, "but the more you talk about him you will find that the easier it becomes to think about him without pain."

I smiled, "You're precious," I said. Had Xanatos ever done anything like what Obi-Wan was doing now? I couldn't remember him ever being so kind to me. Not even before he had lost himself to the darkness within his soul. "Thank you."

Obi-Wan blushed brightly and I felt pulse of surprised joy reflected through our bond. His shy happiness made me feel somehow warm inside. It made me feel glad that he cared for me as deeply as I cared for him. Despite his obvious embarrassment his voice was steady when he spoke. "Ease your pain, Master, tell me about him. I want to know everything."

It was hard at first. Telling Obi-Wan of my former Padawan was no easy task but he had asked me to tell him and so I did. I told him everything. I told him how I had refused to believe Yoda and Master Daec-Mar's warnings because of my own pride. I told him how I had fooled myself by thinking that Xanatos was the perfect apprentice and how I thought he cared about me as much as I cared about him. I told him that my pride in Xanatos had known no bounds and that because of that I had let him get away with too many things. I told him that I had been too concerned with proving everyone wrong that I had ignored all of the signs. I told him more than I ever thought I'd tell anyone.

The words came slowly at first, haltingly and with great pain but I found that the more I spoke the faster the words came until they were tumbling forth from my lips in a flood. I couldn't stop. I didn't want to stop. I had never been able to open myself like this to anyone and I couldn't stop before I came to the worst part of everything that haunted me.

I jumped into an explanation of our last mission together before I even realized what I was talking about. I explained everything to him in great detain, taking care to point out all the signs I had chosen to ignore that Xanatos was close to his fall. What physically happened was easy to explain. How I struck down my apprentice's father before his very eyes. Retelling how he had drawn his 'saber against me and how we had fought and I had almost won but been unable to deliver the killing blow. That was all so easy to tell.

It wasn't until I began explaining the deep emotions that Xanatos' turning had stirred within me that I truly ran into trouble. It was so hard but I forced myself to tell him. I forced myself to tell him how devastated and wounded I had been. "It was the worst thing I had ever felt," I said softly, "it was like someone stabbed a knife through my heart and left the blade embedded deep inside. I felt so shocked and angry and betrayed. I trusted him and he…used that trust against me. The loss cut deeply into my soul and there was nothing I could do to lessen the raw edge of my grief. It consumed me. Every thought in my head was about him. Every time I closed my eyes it was his face I saw. He taunting laugh filled my ears at night just as the scar on his check haunted me during the day. I felt so utterly alone and lost in the vastness of an uncaring universe. I couldn't get over how stupid I had been, how completely blind. But even over all of those things the one emotion I felt the most was the hurt in my heart. It was like loosing a son."

For the first time in hours I fell silent and it was only then that I realized that my face was wet with tears. My vision was blurred but even through the water pooling in my eyes I could see Obi-Wan staring at me with such gentle, compassionate, supportive eyes that it filled my soul with a joy I hadn't felt in years. He had stayed with me the whole time, sitting by my side and listening. Unlike so many others he didn't offer words of regret or sorrow, he just listened.

Obi-Wan smiled softly and reached up to wipe away some of the tears from my face, "Thank you for sharing that with me, Qui-Gon," he said very solemnly as he sent me waves of support through our bond.

I nodded softly but then shook my head. Why was he thanking me? I needed to thank _him_ for giving me the chance to heal in a way no one else had. "No, Obi-Wan," I said, "thank _you_."

Leaning forward I opened my arms and wrapped them tightly around my Padawan, drawing him close to me until his head was cradled safely against my chest. I smiled when Obi-Wan returned my embrace and snuggled close to me, giving me the same comfort I knew I was giving him. The comfort of my presence. Thank you for giving me your trust and saving me…from myself.

THE END


End file.
